Category: Southernisms

1. If she had an idea, it would die of loneliness. 

I take it that the idea would just be rattling around in an otherwise empty cranium, without any companions.

2. It is as useless as a screen door in a submarine.

Now, that’s pretty useless … in fact, a bit worse than merely useless.

3. Grinnin’ like a possum eatin’ a sweet tater

Now, that’s a sight I’ve never seen, but this pumpkin-eating porcupine below is mighty pleased … so, I suppose it’s similar.

4. Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit! (To show surprise)

Do I have to? And are you quite sure you want me to do that?

5. He’s so skinny, if he stood sideways and stuck his tongue out, he’d look like a zipper.

This one is so much more fun than “thin as a rail” or “thin as a toothpick.” When photographing your thin friend, ask him to pose as a zipper.

6. I’m prouder of that than a pup with his first flea.

Pedigree, dog show awards, obedience school certificates, maybe even heroism … all reasons for a pup to be proud, but, apparently, all it takes is a flea.

7. I’m so hungry I could eat the north end of a south-bound polecat.

I admit that I would have to be pretty famished for that to sound like a good snack.

8. Scarcer than deviled eggs after a church picnic.

Those are pretty scarce after a church picnic … and after a family gathering too. (My sister-in-law makes great ones.)

9. He was so tall he could hunt geese with a rake.

A guy’s got to be pretty tall to sweep a goose out of the sky with a rake. If the goose happens to be on the ground; however, hunting with a rake is not quite as impressive.

10. Slicker than snot on a goat’s glass eye

Okay, I understand that the glass eye belongs to a taxidermied goat like the one above from the National Museum of Nature and Science in Tokyo. My next question is, “How often does a goat’s glass eye get snot on it?” Maybe, we shouldn’t overthink that one.

11. So deep in jail he’ll have to be fed beans with a slingshot

I imagine the person with slingshot would have to have very good aim.

12. There’s a stump in a Louisiana swamp with a higher IQ. 

This one goes a bit further than expressions like “dumb as a box of rocks.” The person in question is not as dumb as a stump, but the stump is actually a bit more intelligent.

13. He has the personality of a dishrag.

 

I’ve never met a particularly sanguine dishrag, have you? Note to self: don’t give a Southerner a reason to insult me.

14. We’re closer than two roaches on a bacon bit.

Well, that’s just gross, so enjoy this photo of frying bacon, which is not at all gross. Also, I’d rather not be compared to a roach even as a token of friendship, thank you.

15. This is more fun than a sackful of kittens.

I’m not sure I like the idea of a sackful of kittens, but a basketful is sure fun.

Do you like unique and quirky expressions?

Andy Westin, the narrator of my Jack Donegal Mysteries, has a few of his own.

Here’s what some reviewers have said —

“Action Men with Silly Putty: A Jack Donegal Mystery is fun, engaging and delightfully entertaining, you won’t want to put it down! Susan Joy Clark pens a mystery full of comedic escapades. The bungling Mr. Magoo combines with the eccentricity of Columbo in the main character of Jack Donegal. Clark’s narrative is witty, comical and adventuresome. The writing style is artfully imaginative, using amusing and uncanny descriptions. The point of view is written from the perspective of the side-kick, which is rare, but really works! The antics of the characters keep the action moving quickly.” — Cheryl E. Rodriguez

“Andy is the consummate narrator who, while being completely authentic and original in his own right, agreeably reminded me at times of Nero Wolfe’s able and wisecracking sidekick, Archie Goodwin. Clark’s story is breezy, fun and fast-paced, and her plot is inspired. Jack and Andy are two of the most intriguing private eyes I’ve come across in quite some time, and I can’t wait until their creator conjures up another irresistible conundrum for them to play with. Action Men with Silly Putty: A Jack Donegal Mystery, Book 1, is most highly recommended.” — Jack Magnus

“Action Men with Silly Putty is a bizarre, hilarious and memorable read that should not be missed! When I read the description of Action Men with Silly Putty, I was hooked right away thanks to the bizarre but funny nature of it. I love stories with a twist, and I love even more when they combine action with humor, whenever I read books like this I imagine it as a funny detective drama on tv and Action Men with Silly Putty could undoubtedly be this! When I began to read Action Men with Silly Putty, I knew straight away that the story would deliver and fulfill my expectations and know that I have finished the book I can write that it did!” — Red Headed Book Lover Blog

See it on Amazon.