Action Men with Duct Tape, Part 4 (Mystery Comedy Serial)

Photo by Geraldine Lewa on Unsplash

I could breathe a little easier knowing that the superfan had left the building … or, at least, the food court.

“So, what did you buy?” I asked Jack and Dec.

“A camera drone,” said Dec, “and a GoPro.” He pulled two boxes out of a BestBuy bag.

If you want to check out previous episodes, you can find Part 1 here, Part 2 here and Part 3 here.

Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash

“A camera drone and a GoPro?” I looked at Jack and not Dec, with raised eyebrows, thinking he was spoiling the kid to a ridiculous degree.

Dec seemed to sense my unspoken thoughts. “Uncle Jack didn’t buy them. I’ve been earning money, and I saved up.”

“So, you’re into filming?” I asked him.

“Well, filming and … tech in general.”

Like uncle, like nephew. “The apple doesn’t fall far from the … branch that’s connected to your mother’s tree.”

Now, it was Dec’s turn to raise his eyebrows at me. “Huh?”

“That made much more sense in my mind before it came out my mouth,” I said. “You’re like your uncle.”

“Ah. Right,” said Dec.

“Well, maybe I didn’t buy gifts at the mall,” said Jack, “but I do have gifts for both Dec and Bronwyn, but they’re waiting back at the condo. They’re too big for my pockets.” He patted his overstuffed trenchcoat pockets.

If the gifts were really too big for his pockets, that was saying something. Jack wore that trenchcoat everywhere, rain or shine, and he must have had the equivalent of the contents of three women’s purses in there. Well, when I say that, I am talking in terms of storage, not that he was carrying lipsticks and powder puffs. No, Jack carried an interesting assortment of junk that seemed completely unnecessary … until it was, and that roll of duct tape came in handy for a makeshift fix or that magnifying glass could help with reading the fine print on a box of vitamins while shopping in the pharmacy.

After Jack and Dec joined the sugarfest that Bronwyn and I had started, and we split a giant Cinnabon the size of a small island nation four ways, we did head back to the condo.

pingping, CC BY-SA 2.0 https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0, via Wikimedia Commons

Once back in the condo, we made ourselves comfortable. I got very comfortable, lying flat on my back on the couch, with George, the beagle, lying down on my stomach. I could take up all this space, because the two kids were content to sprawl on the floor in the floor cushions. Jack perched on the edge of his chair. “I suppose you two are too old for action figures.”

“I’m not,” said Dec. This was an interesting remark, because at 15, he was the oldest of the two.

I shrugged. “I’m not either.” I mean, Jack owns a toy business, and I’m his right hand man. I expect I will never grow up.

Bronwyn said, “I guess I’m not too old to display them … like with my Pop figures.”

Jack smiled. “Well, I think you are going to like these, because they are very special. They’re tied with the Blaze comic series. We’re going to release them to the public at the toy fair tomorrow.” He pulled a box from a bag. Through the cellophane panel, you could see a pre-teen girl figure with double French braids in her strawberry blonde hair. In separate compartments, a plastic backpack and other accessories were on display. Jack handed the box to Bronwyn.

Bronwyn rested the box against her raised knees and stared at it for several moments. “She looks like me,” she said.

“Well, as you know, you and Dec were very inspirational to my characters,” said Jack. “This is Farryn, Blaze’s niece.”

She then looked over the accompanying accessories. “A hoop, pins, ribbon … rhythmic gymnastics equipment and … nunchuks? I do rhythmic gymnastics and martial arts. She practically is me … but like in a parallel universe.”

Minerva97, CC BY-SA 4.0 https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0, via Wikimedia Commons

“Wonder Woman has her magic lasso. Farryn has her ribbon of doom,” I said. That wasn’t quite the way it was written in the comic series, but I thought I’d be dramatic.

Jack presented a box to Declan next. “This is Hunter, Blaze’s nephew and Farryn’s trusty sidekick.”

“Wait, I’m her sidekick?” said Declan, as if he already completely identified with the character.

“Let me reword that,” said Jack. “Partner.”

The teen boy figure had a dark wavy coif just like Declan, although the figure’s hair was in molded plastic. The figure’s accessories included a drone, strangely similar to what Declan just bought himself, a smart watch, walkie talkies and a remote control car, all in miniature.

“Wow,” said Dec. “Bron and I are superheroes. You are the coolest uncle, Uncle Jack.” Dec turned to me. “And, Uncle Andy, you are the coolest uncle by association.”

“It’s super cool, Uncle Jack. Thank you so much.” She began to open her box. “Only … only … I think the superfan we met in the mall knows I’m her. I think he recognizes me.”

There was a pause. “Well,” I said. “Don’t worry about that. Tomorrow, at the toy fair, we’ll sneak you in wearing a hot dog suit. People may want to eat you, but no one will recognize you.”

I was beginning to lose count at how many times Bronwyn could roll her eyes at me.

Later, after the kids went to bed, Jack asked me, “Did I make a mistake … making the characters so similar to the kids?”

“Well,” I said. “You wouldn’t be the first to do something like that. Look at A.A. Milne and Christopher Robin. Milne made a character based on his kid.”

“Yeah,” said Jack. “But it was a different world back then, don’t you think?”

© Susan Joy Clark 2021

To be continued …

Action Men with Duct Tape, Part 3 (Mystery Comedy Serial)

With links to previous episodes

Photo by Asael Peña on Unsplash

As Bronwyn and I walked over to join the end of the line at Starbucks, I couldn’t help feeling that the eyes of the superfan we’d just met were still following our every move. I resisted the urge to turn around and confirm my suspicions. Besides, if I was wrong, wouldn’t I be the one being the creepy creeper dude by staring at him?

(Ahem.) We interrupt this programming to say that, if you missed parts 1 and 2 of this series, it’s very understandable. The flow of this series was interrupted for a long time. You can find Part 2 here and Part 1 here. You should “start at the very beginning, a very good place to start.”

“So, should I get you one of those Pokemon Go frappuccinos?” I asked Bronwyn.

“I want a mocha frappuccino,” said Bronwyn.

“Aren’t you too young for coffee?”

“It’s a frappuccino. It’s practically a milkshake. Uncle Jack lets me have coffee flavored ice cream.”

“Ye-ah,” I said, my voice sliding from a high to low note. “But actual coffee has too much caffeine. It’s my duty as your uncle by proxy to protect you from drugs.”

“Drugs?” said Bronwyn. “It’s caffeine, not crack.”

At the mention of crack, my protective instincts turned up a notch … or twenty. “Crack? Who’s been talking to you about crack?” I asked.

“The police.”

“The police!”

Bronwyn rolled her blue eyes at me. “I’m in the D.A.R.E. program … you know where they teach about drug prevention.”

“Right,” I said.

“Plus,” she said. “I watch TV. I don’t live in a cave.”

“Right,” I said. “Well, caffeine is still a drug … albeit a socially acceptable one.”

In the process of this whole, interesting discussion on drugs, we had worked our way to the front of the line.

“Hi,” I told the barista. “I’d like a cold brew for myself, and she’d like a …”

“I want a mocha …” Bronwyn put in.

At this point, I took Bronwyn into a loving chokehold. Let me rephrase that. I gave Bronwyn a sideways hug that strongly resembled a chokehold. “She’d like one of those unicorn drinks or whatever you have that’s pink and girly and non-caffeinated,” I said. “With a big smiley face on the cup, please.” I myself don’t know why I felt the need to add the last part.

“Okay,” said the barista. “I could do a cotton candy frappuccino. That’s pink. The unicorn one is more colorful.”

I shrugged a shoulder. “I leave it to you.”

“What’s the name?”

“Andy.”

“Her name?”

“Bronwyn.”

“Donna-Lynn?”

“Bronwyn.”

“Brooklyn?”

“Bronwyn.”

Finally, she nodded, and I paid for our drinks. I was pleased with our results. Mine was dark and beautiful, though I almost questioned my adults-only gateway-to-crack choice of beverage, by way of example. Bronwyn’s was bright purple-pink with swirls of blue and a fairy dusting of pink and blue sugar on top of the whipped cream. The barista had indulged my stupidity with a huge smiley face on the cup right next to the name, “Brooklyn.” I tossed a tip in the tip jar.

Photo by Michelle Oshen on Flickr

We meandered over to a table in the food court then, and I still had this eerie feeling that Mr. Superfan was looking our way. When was I going to let that go? “I suppose I should text Uncle Jack to tell him and Dec to meet us here,” I said. Just as I said that, I spotted Jack and Declan coming through the food court entrance, carrying bags from Best Buy. It was as if Jack and I were so close we could communicate by telepathy, either that or the smell of Cinnabon was like the call of sirens to Ulysses.

I waved them over, and they joined us at a table. Best Buy bags mingled with pastel bags from Forever 13 (or wherever it was) on a spare chair.

“Don’t look now,” I said, “but we met this guy in the food court earlier who’s a mega-fan of our Blaze comic series. He strikes me a bit creepy, but he’s sitting there in the corner. Blondish-brown hair, receding hairline, rectangular-framed glasses …”

“Don’t look now” had the same effect as saying, “Don’t think about zebras in bikinis.” Do you see what I mean? What image just popped into your head? Jack looked to the corner.

“I see him,” Jack said.

“Is he staring at us?”

“I’m staring at him,” said Jack. “Oh, now, he’s looking.”

“Look away,” I said.

Jack did. I thought that our guy might walk over to chat with Jack, now that he had joined us. It wouldn’t be too unreasonable considering our earlier business discussion, but I now had mixed and strange feelings about it.

I fished in my shirt pocket and pulled out the pen he’d given us earlier. “He gave us a pen,” I said. “Apparently, he runs a comic book store and suggested we could go there for a signing some time.”

Photo by Joe Ciciarelli on Unsplash

“Not a bad idea,” said Jack. He looked hard at the pen, at the business name on the side, at first. Then, he began to twist and turn the pen in different angles and stare at it some more. He was so mesmerized you’d think it was one with spinning lighted fiber optics (one of our own products.) I was mostly accustomed to Jack’s quirks by now, the way he would study ordinary things from an engineer’s perspective, but this was seeming ridiculous. It seemed like a pretty run-of-the-mill pen to me.

“Is there something special about that pen?” I asked.

“Maybe not,” said Jack. “It just seemed … well, never mind …” He set it down on the table. “Going to his store for a signing might not be a bad idea, for our writer and artist.”

“Yeah,” I said. “I think he wants you … the big brains, the concept guy. The superfan’s as fruity as a pebble, if you ask me.”

“As fruity as a pebble?” Jack raised his eyebrows. “Pebbles aren’t generally fruity.”

“Some of them are, when they come in boxes labelled Fruity Pebbles.”

Photo by Haley Owens on Unsplash, This is not exactly Fruity Pebbles but was the best stock photo I could find. It has the right idea perhaps.

“The breakfast cereal isn’t made of literal pebbles,” said Jack.

“I’ve known that since I was five,” I said. I sighed. “Don’t be so literal when I am trying to be clever.” I paused. “Is he still there?”

Jack glanced back in the direction of the corner. “No, he’s gone now.”

© Susan Joy Clark 2021

To be continued …

Father’s Day Humor — Dad Jokes, Comics and Funny Dads of YouTube

Here’s a collection of humor for the dads or for those celebrating the dads in their life.

YouTuber Penn Holderness of the Holderness Family does some fun song parodies, a few relating to fatherhood. A few Father’s Days ago, he released a parody of Michael Jackson’s “I’m Bad,” now turned to “I’m Your Dad.” Well, this year, he chose the same music but with a slightly different twist. Apparently, he is turning into his own dad … just like in the Progressive insurance commercials. Enjoy some fun music, humor and silly dance moves.

Then, I went into the Holderness Family archives and found this parody of Pharrell Williams’ “Happy,” — “I’m Your Daddy,” celebrating all the fun and funny things he does as the dad of the family.

Dad Jokes

(curated from around the Internet)

Does your dad tell you “dad jokes?” Mine does. Sometimes, it gets a giggle, and sometimes, it gets a groan. Maybe, you’re the dad passing on the dad joke tradition to the next generation. Here is a collection to add to your arsenal.

My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean. I don’t know why she’s mad at me.

Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work.

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.

A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!

A steak pun is a rare medium done well.

Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.

This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.

Cop: “I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.” Man: “Wait! I can explain everything!”

“For Father’s Day, I’m giving my dad an hour of free tech support.”

Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.

I’m reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.

What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing.

What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.

More Youtube Dads

This New Zealander dad shares a lot of humor about fatherhood on his Youtube channel, “How To Dad.” In this one, he shares how to go grocery shopping with a baby.

Have you noticed that dads just do things differently from moms? I remember when my niece was a baby, and my brother was “flying” her like Superbaby balanced on the palm of his hand. His Shetland sheepdog, Honey, barked at him to warn him to be careful with that baby. Here’s a video montage of dads doing things a little differently.