This one was written for Esther Chilton’s Laugh Along a Limerick challenge, with the requirement that it include the word “smile.” It is slightly gross perhaps, but, hopefully, in a playful way. I thought of the second limerick first, but after dreaming up rhymes with “crocodile” and “dial,” I forgot my objective was to include the word “smile.”
I sometimes hear stories from dog owners that their dogs survive with little ill effect after eating something which is toxic for dogs. Even so, be very careful to protect your dog from eating things that will harm him. If you’re in this situation, call your vet.
Early, the next morning, after loading Lars, Jack’s Volvo, with boxes of product and display banners, I woke the kids. Bronwyn had taken up temporary residence on an air mattress in Jack’s home office.
I knocked and opened the door. “Wakey, wakey, eggs and bakey,” I said.
For what seemed like several minutes, she stared at me through the slits of her eyelids without saying anything. Finally, she said, “Is there eggs and bakey?”
This is part of a series. You can just jump in and try to follow as with a movie in progress or you can go to the links for previous episodes. You can find Part 1 here, Part 2 here, Part 3 here and Part 4 here.
“Uh … no,” I said. Jack and I do not cook. “We have cereal and toast … or, rather, we have bread with the potential of becoming toast. I’m not sure I’d risk it though. Sometimes, the toaster spits out bread that has failed to become toast and, sometimes, it spits out charcoal.”
Bronwyn fell backwards onto the air mattress like a toppling domino and did not move.
“No!” I said. “Clothes on body.” Somehow, I spontaneously adopted a kind of cave man language, as if this was easier for the half-asleep mind to understand. “Outside go.” I pointed out the window. “In car drive.” I pantomimed this also, with my hands on an imaginary steering wheel. Somehow, I had created a language that was halfway between a now politically incorrect Tonto talk and Yoda speak.
The domino righted itself again. “Food in stomach.”
“Fine. Hurry. Get dressed.” I looked at my watch. “We have time to take you and Dec out to the place that keeps Uncle Jack and I alive, before heading into the city. You can get eggs and bakey and … other things Jack and I are incapable of making for you.” I then realized I had to remove myself if I wanted my instructions followed. I walked out and closed the door, trusting that some action other than sleeping would take place.
Dec, thankfully, was already up and dressed, sitting on the couch, reading. Jack was standing nearby, in a squinty-eyed state similar to Bronwyn, a mug of coffee in his hand. He had dressed in clothes … of some sort.
“This is your ensemble?” I asked Jack, looking him up and down.
“Sure. Why not?”
“You know, I’m not even going to argue with it,” I said, “because if there’s anyplace in which this outfit would be appropriate, it’s the New York Toy Fair.”
It is an understatement to say that Jack’s fashion sense is different than mine. He dressed nearly every day like a signboard — a loud, neon signboard — for the toy industry, but, perhaps at the fair, it would be tolerated and possibly appreciated. At the moment, he was sporting a straw trilby hat with a Twister spot hatband, a cobalt blue dress shirt, black and white checkerboard suspenders, a black tie with a design of colorful, floating Tetris shapes and customized Converse shoes printed with Steamboat Willie puffing around the perimeter. A pocket watch dangling from a belt loop featured the faces of Woody and Buzz Lightyear from Toy Story.
I found this on Etsy. This is not an affiliate link. I just thought you might like some visuals of the idea. 🙂
“I can’t decide if you look like you are about to go perform at a children’s party or at a ska festival,” I told him.
“Thanks, Andy,” said Jack.
He would go and take that as a compliment.
“I have an idea for the kids too,” said Jack. “Since Bronwyn was so concerned about being recognized at the event. You were actually onto something yesterday when you mentioned something about a costume for a disguise.” Jack wagged a finger at me.
“I mentioned a hot dog costume … as a joke,” I said. “I think if you are serious about that one, Bronwyn’s eye rolls are going to escalate into actual violence. I believe she knows how to use her powers for good, but keep in mind this is one kid who is wickedly skillful with a pair of nunchuks.”
“Andy,” said Jack. “I’ve been meaning to tell you that you’re a little too prone to hyperbole.”
“Say what?”
“Exaggeration.”
“Right.”
Instead of addressing my question, Jack sat down on the couch beside Dec and pulled out a cell phone. After dialing, he muttered some unknown sounds into the phone. “Hej. Har du et par kostumer, vi kan bruge?”
I’m not an expert linguist, but I can usually at least identify the sounds of Italian, French, Spanish or German. These were sounds I could not even place.
After a few more seconds, Jack said, “Mange tak.”
“What were you just saying?” I asked him. “Please, tell me that you weren’t just talking in Klingon or Elvish to one of your geek friends.”
“No,” said Jack. “If I were talking in Klingon, it would be, ‘nuqneH. vaj, chomaw’chugh, vaj tugh ‘e’ DaHar’a’?’ and then, ‘qatlho’qu’. tugh qalegh.’”
I did a face palm. “I should have known. Does your geekdom know no limits?”
Jack looked up and into the upper right corner for just a second. “No, I don’t think so, Andy.” Then, he gave just a hint of a smile.
“So, it wasn’t Klingon, though you are, apparently, fairly proficient in it. Can you enlighten the rest of us on what that was all about?”
“I was just talking to Johan Nielsen* of the Lego company, and he is going to loan us a couple of costumes for the kids to wear at the fair.”
I still had more questions than answers at this point, but I couldn’t resist teasing and jabbing at him some more. “So, you were talking Danish, I suppose?” Again, I’m no linguist, but I am a toy man, and I know where Lego is headquartered. “You know an impressive smattering of languages, but I am still willing to bet even money that Niels Jorgensen …”
“Johan Nielsen.”
“Whatever … knows English better than you know Danish.”
Jack just shrugged a shoulder. “It’s always good to keep in practice.”
It might be evil of me, but it somehow made me feel better to remember that Mr. Know-it-all was not, in fact, actually omniscient.
Just then, Bronwyn made her entrance into the living room, wearing the new cupcake design T-shirt she had just picked up at the mall.
“So,” I prodded Jack. “You were saying … costumes? Just exactly what and how …?”
“I’ll explain everything over breakfast.” He pointed to the front door. “To the Salvador Deli.”
*Although the Lego company is, of course, very real, Johan Nielsen is purely fictional.
I am pinging Danish blogger friend, Le Drake Noir, (check out his wonderful travel photography,) because I used Google Translate for the Danish phrases in this post, and I thought it would be helpful to have a native speaker check it. Google Translate is not always perfect.
Lastly, if you are enjoying this or other posts in this series, I would love feedback or a comment. 🙂
This was written for dVerse’s Poetics prompt in which we were asked to pick one of several Ernest Hemingway quotes for inspiration. I chose this one, “It is very hard to write this way, beginning things backward…” from The Torrents of Spring (1926.) I’m pretty sure though that Hemingway wouldn’t appreciate being the muse for this one, but perhaps Shel Silverstein or P.G. Wodehouse would nod their approval. A while ago, I saw a prompt to write a story backwards on Reedsy. I didn’t act on it then, but I had the thought to start out with chaos and then rewind to some explanation of it. Of course, I decided to start out with comical chaos.
Here’s a collection of humor for the dads or for those celebrating the dads in their life.
YouTuber Penn Holderness of the Holderness Family does some fun song parodies, a few relating to fatherhood. A few Father’s Days ago, he released a parody of Michael Jackson’s “I’m Bad,” now turned to “I’m Your Dad.” Well, this year, he chose the same music but with a slightly different twist. Apparently, he is turning into his own dad … just like in the Progressive insurance commercials. Enjoy some fun music, humor and silly dance moves.
Then, I went into the Holderness Family archives and found this parody of Pharrell Williams’ “Happy,” — “I’m Your Daddy,” celebrating all the fun and funny things he does as the dad of the family.
Dad Jokes
(curated from around the Internet)
Does your dad tell you “dad jokes?” Mine does. Sometimes, it gets a giggle, and sometimes, it gets a groan. Maybe, you’re the dad passing on the dad joke tradition to the next generation. Here is a collection to add to your arsenal.
My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean. I don’t know why she’s mad at me.
Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work.
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!
A steak pun is a rare medium done well.
Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll.
This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.
Cop: “I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.” Man: “Wait! I can explain everything!”
“For Father’s Day, I’m giving my dad an hour of free tech support.”
Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help.
I’m reading a horror story in braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can just feel it.
What’s the best thing about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
I always knock on the fridge door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing.
What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac? A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.
More Youtube Dads
This New Zealander dad shares a lot of humor about fatherhood on his Youtube channel, “How To Dad.” In this one, he shares how to go grocery shopping with a baby.
Have you noticed that dads just do things differently from moms? I remember when my niece was a baby, and my brother was “flying” her like Superbaby balanced on the palm of his hand. His Shetland sheepdog, Honey, barked at him to warn him to be careful with that baby. Here’s a video montage of dads doing things a little differently.
